You read that right. Six months from now I will welcome a mini-me into the world. Don’t worry, he/she will be complete with my good looks, humor, and taste for fine salsa. Disclaimer: this is not a joke! I haven’t been vomiting the last six weeks without reason, and my radar for cute baby things is not from following celebrity couples and their budding offspring.
First, I’ll tell you that this hasn’t been easy. I’m a pretty strong Christian woman, who was primarily involved in a Christian club in college, and makes my relationship with God a high priority. When I found out I was pregnant, many things went through my mind: What will my Christian friends think? Is my reputation ruined? Does God love me anymore? Along with a bunch of other shameful and guilt driven comments towards myself. I’ve been battling with how much my life will change, and how people will see me. I haven’t given myself time to feel anything but shame and condemnation, mostly from myself. Biblically, I’ve messed up. Biblically, I’ve sinned and fallen short. I’ve been learning more and more about what reconciliation with God looks like and realizing that he does not love me any less and this does not change my worth in his eyes.
So what does this mean? This means a lot of doctor’s visits, resting when possible, and figuring out a lot of details in a small amount of time. This also means seeking encouragement from friends and family that everything will be okay, that people before me have had babies. That I’m not the first person whose journey looks like this, and I won’t be the last. I know that people’s opinions of me will change, that there will be gossip, and I might possibly lose a couple of people who will stand in disbelief.
BUT GUESS WHAT: I’ve had more people show me love in a new way I haven’t experienced. I’ve had tears rolling down my face from e-mails written by women who know the ins and outs of my heart. I’ve had my family frequently telling me that I am strong enough, that giants can be beaten. My boyfriend has been showing me more grace than anyone, especially when my emotions get to me and I can’t see where God is in all of this. Most importantly, God’s love has started to really drive out the fear and doubt. After seeing the baby’s heartbeat, my purpose has changed, and I’m singing in the midst of a beautiful storm.
Of course I wouldn’t end my blog post without an excerpt from one of my favorite poems by one of my favorite artists, Anis Mojgani.
So shake the dust
And take me with you when you do for none of this has ever been for me
All that pushes and pulls
And pushes and pulls
And pushes and pulls
It pushes for you
So, grab this world by its clothespins
And shake it out again and again
And jump on top and take it for a spin
And when you hop off shake it again
For this is yours, this is yours
Make my words worth it
Make this not just some poem that I write
Not just some poem like just another night that sits heavy above us all
Walk into it, breathe it in, let it crash through the halls of your arms
Like the millions of years of millions poets
Coursing like blood, pumping and pushing
Making you live, shaking the dust
So when the world knocks at your front door
Clutch the knob tightly and open on up
And run forward and far into its widespread, greeting arms
With your hands outstretched before you
Fingertips trembling, though they may be
Post Script: Hug your mother, thank her for loving you endlessly, share a memory or two. Remember, you are loved and cherished no matter what you come up against.